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Since the days of manifest destiny, a time when everyone in America thought it’d be a good idea to have two oceans, America has grown into the beautiful massive cow-like (Florida is its leg and nothing else) creature it is today. To date, there are 46 whole states and 4 commonwealths, or quasi-states, along with that magical rectangular district beneath Maryland. Of these 46 states and 4 commonwealths, about 19 of them are worth keeping around. Maybe 23 on a good day. But we must not discriminate, for these less spectacular states are the glue which holds the country together.
Then there are the hideous growths that are Hawaii and Alaska, which make America look like it’s still in the awkward stages of puberty and has attempted to cut its own hair and failed miserably. In the great Ikea coffee table that is America, Hawaii and Alaska are the extra pieces left over upon completion, so they were stuck on anyway so as not to be wasteful.
But I am not going to satirize Hawaii, Alaska, or even New Jersey. I am going to instead give you KNOWLEDGE BEYOND REASON about all of America’s beautiful states, quasi and real, for if you are like me, you are fascinated about the diverse landscape and culture of our United States/Commonwealths, and you yearn for more information about their origin, strange mysteries, and alarming horrors.
Alabama - First up is Alabama, a state in the South that borders the Gulf of Mexico, which is paradoxical when you think that no one in Alabama has ever seen a Mexican before. Alabama is an oddly shaped state, with that squid-like mouth protruding from its southern coast and whatnot. In all, Alabama is a basic, middle-of-the-pack state. Not good, but not terrible, and certainly not great. Though, Montgomery serves as a Mecca to those close to the civil rights movement. You can still see parts of the buildings there permanently damaged by high-pressure fire hoses.
Alaska - “Cold” is fair word used to describe the state of Alaska, a.k.a. North Canada, a.k.a. East Russia. Alaskans are known for their easy-going nature, love for the outdoors, and eighth layer of skin. Also, Alaskan children begin growing their facial hair around age 7, so if you see a small person with a beard comparable to that of Grizzly Adams, it is not a midget. It is a child. Though it is unfair of me to focus so much on the mutant Alaskans. The state of Alaska is actually quite beautiful. There is a plethora of wildlife, with everything from bears to kangaroos (I’m pretty sure they have kangaroos). And in time, they will all evolve enough to know what helicopters are REALLY for. Sorry Sarah Palin (not really).
Arizona - Perversely to Alaskans, Arizonans have only SIX layers of skin, enabling them to combat the extreme heat in the summertime. I have been to Arizona several times in the summer, and while I can’t say that I would enjoy living there, I can say the sidewalk cafés around Phoenix are very cozy. You haven’t lived until you’ve had French toast that was cooked on a sidewalk.
Arkansas - Arkansas is another state that I have graced my presence with. It is most known for the Naval vessel the Arkansas, which is the exact dimensions and the shape of the state whose name she bares. When the rising tide engulfs the shore and the waves roll over Arkansas, will the ship return to anchor there and replace the sunken state?
California - Arguably the greatest state in the union, it has been home to movie stars, presidents, shamed presidents, and more movie stars. There are so many great people from California that it is difficult to choose “California’s Favorite Son/Daughter/Red-headed Stepchild.” Unlike Minnesota, where the answer singular and obvious: Prince.
Colorado - When you drive passed this state’s borders and enter the realm known as “Colorado” (which is Esperanto for “Litter Box Shape”), a sign welcomes you with the greeting “Welcome to COLORFUL Colorado!” And it’s true: The multiple shades of brown convey a sense of what you’re looking at is so colorful, that it must be displayed in monochrome in your mind. Even the brown sign is like this. Amazing.
Connecticut - English for “Connect, I cut,” Connecticut is one of them New England-type states. I don’t know much about Connecticut, but I can at least pretend I do. I know there’s a well known Ivy League school located in Connecticut. I think it’s called State University of New Haven-Northeast Technical Community College. I hear they’re very picky about the type of students admitted to SUNHNTCC, turning away dozens of people looking for “an easy college to go to so my parents will just leave me alone about the whole higher education deal.”
Delaware - Chronologically first, Delaware is famous for being crossed by George Washington. Since we all know that story, let me tell you of the strange and forgotten lore of Delaware’s magical and sometimes cursed Twelve-Mile Circle. The Twelve-Mile Circle is the northernmost geographical border of Delaware. There is one section of land outside the circle which was claimed by both Delaware and Pennsylvania. That’s right, LAND CLAIMED BY TWO DIFFERENT STATES. Certainly this caused unbearable political tension between the two states, and it most likely led to a Cold War between the two (More interstate Cold Wars later. Yes, there’s been more than one!). Unfortunately, a Cold War focused on a small piece of land isn’t very… explosive, and the dispute was settled in favor of Delaware in 1921.
Florida - Florida is America’s hind leg. Its four major cities each encompass a different attribute to its complex character. Miami is the immigration port/cocaine capital. Orlando is a magical land where dreams come true. Jacksonville is the most populous city, thereby containing the most old people (explorers speculate THIS is the location of the Fountain of Youth). And Tampa is where disappointing sports franchises are born.
Georgia - The state of Georgia, also affectionately known as “America’s Australia,” since it was first colonized as place to send prisoners when overcrowding occurred in other colonies. But that was long ago, and now Georgia is the Peach State, and the reminders of this are all over: subdivisions, highways, malls, streets, statues, landmarks, and even old ladies are named some form of “Peach.” As if to say, “Hey, you’re in Georgia, the Peach State. Just in case you forgot.”
Hawaii - The isolated paradise that is Hawaii. Its natives are known for their knowledge of the ocean (it surrounds them, after all), philosophical adages, and use of repeating vowels in names (take “Liliuokalani,” for example). Hawaii usually minds its own business as it hangs out there in the Pacific Ocean, just doing it’s thing. But sometimes a family member decides to get married in the most remote location possible, while still keeping within US borders. So they go to Hawaii.
Idaho - Also known as “Ireland,” Idaho’s well known for its potatoes. Most people who have not been to Idaho do not know of its natural beauty, rolling hillsides, and puzzling geographical shape. No, most people know Idaho as the butt of their juvenile “Idaho? You the ho!” joke, which was admittedly funny in eighth grade, but now is obvious and produces zero laughs. In reality, Idaho is an underrated state. Its capital city, Boise, is enriched with Native American and Native American Exterminators history (the Oregon Trail passes through part of the city), which is lucky for them, as half of their economy is based on tourism. Visit Boise today and receive a free “I (potato) Boise” visor when mentioning this offer!
Illinois - Illinois is so corrupt, it refuses to be pronounced the way it is spelled. The same goes for every city and county therein. In fact, Logan county is so corrupt that it is actually pronounced “Harris.” I admit I know little more about Illinois than that. I have never been to Chicago, but I hear that the winds from Lake Michigan have it blown clear over to Clark City, Missouri this time of year.
Part 2 coming soon. By which I mean months from now, when it's done.
Mar 14, 2009
Jan 20, 2009
Hippies: An Exposé
In the summer of 2001, I traveled to San Francisco with my family for a vacation. I was looking forward to seeing the Golden Gate Bridge, cable cars, and that silly winding road that serves no purpose save for testing your car’s ability to sporadically turn left and right, just in cause such a situation arises in your daily life.
But overall, I was most excited about the prospect of seeing hippies. I was in their city of origin, after all, so I wanted to meet the Hippie Czar, who I heard lives in a home constructed of hemp located deep within the San Andreas fault. You can imagine my disappointment when my parents shunned the idea of meeting a hippie inside an active fault. But I remained steadfast, and thought seeing just one regular hippie would be a fair consolation.
However, during the entire duration of the trip, not one single hippie was seen walking the streets of San Francisco. I don’t know why this was; I had thought San Francisco was the Mecca to all freethinkers. Perhaps they were in disguise? I looked out for any suspicious moving plants or trees with eyeholes, but saw nothing. I finally came to terms with the fact I would not see any hippies.
Looking back, the whole trip was a disappointment: The Golden Gate Bridge was about as exciting as a bridge and the steep grade of the city gave me a constant sense of vertigo. Golden Gate Park was flooded with wild Jack Russell terriers, the cable cars (not the drivers, the actual cars themselves) went on strike, and the only Painted Ladies I saw were some boring old houses. The closest thing to a hippie I saw was a homosexual prancing down the street.
In time, I accepted that the hippies did not want to be seen. Although I was just a boy then, I am certain the hippies’ foresight abilities allowed them to see what I would become: a messenger of harsh, unyielding truth and hilarity, so I hypothesize they did not want any more bad press. And this is understandable. But not acceptable. So...
HIPPIES! I’m calling you out!
Note: The proceeding is a completely biased, un-researched, false view on hippies past and present. The views expressed are not necessarily those of the person making them, for he is spiteful toward a subculture that really didn’t do anything to him, regardless of what he says.
Please keep this in mind and enjoy.
First off, did you know hippies are not technically human? Well, not all of them. But the earliest types of hippies were classified as a humanoid species: humanlike, yes, but capable of superhuman feats. These feats include: high tolerance for drug intake, multiple states of consciousness (such as “dead-asleep” in which the person has no pulse, but is somehow just sleeping), mastery of German engineering, celestial cartography skills, tie-dye sight, flower power, and extreme powers of non-conformism. Scientists have studied the mutated DNA of early hippies, attempting to retrace its origin. Though there are many theories, most biologists agree the source of the mutation was probably a result of bestiality. Most likely a drunk guy with a rhino.
In any case, these “first” hippies are now extinct; methodically wiped out by Richard Nixon’s undercover agents, who infiltrated the hippie subculture. Many men died over the course of the operation due to extreme acid overdose and subsequently exploding as a result. However, Nixon’s agents were eventually able to sabotage the hippies’ organization from the inside out by depriving them of the drugs their bodies had become dependent on.
Though the real threat were the humanoid hippies, the actual hippies that were human beings were almost just as dangerous. They followed the precedent set by the first generation hippies, just without the high tolerance for drugs and super powers. Regular hippies experimented with LSD and other psychedelic drugs, trying to enter alternate states of consciousness. When this did not work, they’d just had sex with each other.
They would also take part in the irritating act that is civil disobedience, chaining themselves to trees and planting random plants on freeways and in baseball parks. When they weren’t being a nuisance, hippies would protest whatever the government was doing that particular day or just voice their opinions on the most mundane of subjects, just to show how non-conforming they were.
Embracing eastern philosophy, the hippies set up a social system, whereas drug dealers were lower class along with protesters (better known as “crowd fillers”), poets and singers were middle class, and famous poets and singers were the highest in the system.
It was this generation of hippies that set up San Francisco has their headquarters, allowing their sphere of influence to reach all nations around the world and making hippies and global annoyance. A hippie Czar was appointed, then assassinated. When the second Czar was appointed and assassinated, it became clear the hippies had to move underground.
In the early 1980’s however, the hippies began to lose their voice in America. But they thrived in unstable nations like Russia and Germany, where they would graffiti on various stone walls and metallic curtains. Literally and figuratively. But for the most part, the hippie movement in the USA was old news, replaced by the Reagamaniacs, who, as the name implies, loved Ronald Reagan. But then again, who didn’t?
The hippies almost completely vanished the next decade. Some say they were forming a massive army forcefully take back the spotlight. Others say they were off smoking marijuana in a far off land. But, the truth is the hippies had grown up: they quit the drugs (on weekdays), cut their hair, bought a suit, and got a job. Kudos to you, hippies of the 1990’s. You were clearly the best decade of hippies.
It was also in the 90’s that a new hippie began to flourish. The “modern” hippie. These hippies were born in the mid-70’s, so they had no firsthand experience of the real hippie movement of that time. So they modernly read about it. On the internet. Pathetic.
Today, the modern hippies are so non-conforming that they have begun to run for public office, just so they can change policies and laws to their liking. This is both stupid and ingenious all at once, as the changing of laws creates an endless cycle of non-conformism and subsequent law reforms. The dexterity of this endless cycle is, I believe, more accidental than anything else. You hear me, modern hippies? You got lucky.
What does the future hold for the modern hippie? Will their culture make a comeback and once again try to overthrow the nation’s government? Would America stand a chance against an army of acid-driven hippie soldiers? Does anyone even care? Whatever the future holds, one thing will always be clear: Hippies have been, and will continue to be, a pain in everyone’s ass.
Note: The preceding was a completely biased, un-researched, false view on hippies past and present. The views expressed were not necessarily those of the person making them, for he is spiteful toward a subculture that really didn’t do anything to him, regardless of what he says.
Thank you for reading.
But overall, I was most excited about the prospect of seeing hippies. I was in their city of origin, after all, so I wanted to meet the Hippie Czar, who I heard lives in a home constructed of hemp located deep within the San Andreas fault. You can imagine my disappointment when my parents shunned the idea of meeting a hippie inside an active fault. But I remained steadfast, and thought seeing just one regular hippie would be a fair consolation.
However, during the entire duration of the trip, not one single hippie was seen walking the streets of San Francisco. I don’t know why this was; I had thought San Francisco was the Mecca to all freethinkers. Perhaps they were in disguise? I looked out for any suspicious moving plants or trees with eyeholes, but saw nothing. I finally came to terms with the fact I would not see any hippies.
Looking back, the whole trip was a disappointment: The Golden Gate Bridge was about as exciting as a bridge and the steep grade of the city gave me a constant sense of vertigo. Golden Gate Park was flooded with wild Jack Russell terriers, the cable cars (not the drivers, the actual cars themselves) went on strike, and the only Painted Ladies I saw were some boring old houses. The closest thing to a hippie I saw was a homosexual prancing down the street.
In time, I accepted that the hippies did not want to be seen. Although I was just a boy then, I am certain the hippies’ foresight abilities allowed them to see what I would become: a messenger of harsh, unyielding truth and hilarity, so I hypothesize they did not want any more bad press. And this is understandable. But not acceptable. So...
HIPPIES! I’m calling you out!
Note: The proceeding is a completely biased, un-researched, false view on hippies past and present. The views expressed are not necessarily those of the person making them, for he is spiteful toward a subculture that really didn’t do anything to him, regardless of what he says.
Please keep this in mind and enjoy.
First off, did you know hippies are not technically human? Well, not all of them. But the earliest types of hippies were classified as a humanoid species: humanlike, yes, but capable of superhuman feats. These feats include: high tolerance for drug intake, multiple states of consciousness (such as “dead-asleep” in which the person has no pulse, but is somehow just sleeping), mastery of German engineering, celestial cartography skills, tie-dye sight, flower power, and extreme powers of non-conformism. Scientists have studied the mutated DNA of early hippies, attempting to retrace its origin. Though there are many theories, most biologists agree the source of the mutation was probably a result of bestiality. Most likely a drunk guy with a rhino.
In any case, these “first” hippies are now extinct; methodically wiped out by Richard Nixon’s undercover agents, who infiltrated the hippie subculture. Many men died over the course of the operation due to extreme acid overdose and subsequently exploding as a result. However, Nixon’s agents were eventually able to sabotage the hippies’ organization from the inside out by depriving them of the drugs their bodies had become dependent on.
Though the real threat were the humanoid hippies, the actual hippies that were human beings were almost just as dangerous. They followed the precedent set by the first generation hippies, just without the high tolerance for drugs and super powers. Regular hippies experimented with LSD and other psychedelic drugs, trying to enter alternate states of consciousness. When this did not work, they’d just had sex with each other.
They would also take part in the irritating act that is civil disobedience, chaining themselves to trees and planting random plants on freeways and in baseball parks. When they weren’t being a nuisance, hippies would protest whatever the government was doing that particular day or just voice their opinions on the most mundane of subjects, just to show how non-conforming they were.
Embracing eastern philosophy, the hippies set up a social system, whereas drug dealers were lower class along with protesters (better known as “crowd fillers”), poets and singers were middle class, and famous poets and singers were the highest in the system.
It was this generation of hippies that set up San Francisco has their headquarters, allowing their sphere of influence to reach all nations around the world and making hippies and global annoyance. A hippie Czar was appointed, then assassinated. When the second Czar was appointed and assassinated, it became clear the hippies had to move underground.
In the early 1980’s however, the hippies began to lose their voice in America. But they thrived in unstable nations like Russia and Germany, where they would graffiti on various stone walls and metallic curtains. Literally and figuratively. But for the most part, the hippie movement in the USA was old news, replaced by the Reagamaniacs, who, as the name implies, loved Ronald Reagan. But then again, who didn’t?
The hippies almost completely vanished the next decade. Some say they were forming a massive army forcefully take back the spotlight. Others say they were off smoking marijuana in a far off land. But, the truth is the hippies had grown up: they quit the drugs (on weekdays), cut their hair, bought a suit, and got a job. Kudos to you, hippies of the 1990’s. You were clearly the best decade of hippies.
It was also in the 90’s that a new hippie began to flourish. The “modern” hippie. These hippies were born in the mid-70’s, so they had no firsthand experience of the real hippie movement of that time. So they modernly read about it. On the internet. Pathetic.
Today, the modern hippies are so non-conforming that they have begun to run for public office, just so they can change policies and laws to their liking. This is both stupid and ingenious all at once, as the changing of laws creates an endless cycle of non-conformism and subsequent law reforms. The dexterity of this endless cycle is, I believe, more accidental than anything else. You hear me, modern hippies? You got lucky.
What does the future hold for the modern hippie? Will their culture make a comeback and once again try to overthrow the nation’s government? Would America stand a chance against an army of acid-driven hippie soldiers? Does anyone even care? Whatever the future holds, one thing will always be clear: Hippies have been, and will continue to be, a pain in everyone’s ass.
Note: The preceding was a completely biased, un-researched, false view on hippies past and present. The views expressed were not necessarily those of the person making them, for he is spiteful toward a subculture that really didn’t do anything to him, regardless of what he says.
Thank you for reading.
Dec 14, 2008
Your Holiday Gift-Getting Guide
The merry holiday season is here, so it’s time to pretend to be happy and act like you don’t totally hate your family in the hopes of getting awesome gifts from them, since the key to a merry Christmas is based solely on CHRISTMAS HAPPINESS (aka presents). But there is a science to coaxing your family so they spend money on you. The holidays can be a volatile time as well, and experience is everything. Fortunately for you, I possess both the holiday know-how and KNOWLEDGE BEYOND REASON that will instruct you on conning your loved ones for presents.
First off, it’s important to go after family members with money: Maybe a rich uncle, pensioned grandma, or internet-mogul cousin. It is best if they’re the type of family you rarely see save for the holiday season and know nothing about the type of person you are. These are all great bases for your gift-getting, and probably where the best presents will come from (I’m talking iPods, bazooka launchers, homunculi, cars, and even Third World countries).
Do not make the mistake of going after a cousin with a part-time job, as any gift they get you will always be crappy electronics or even worse: something homemade. Also, do not rely on your parents. Their job is to get you clothes, and that’s all they’ll be worried about. Oh, and don’t trust your siblings as well; any presents they give you are either rigged to explode or coated in lead, since they’ll be trying to get you out of the picture once and for all.
Now that you know the basics, you can move on to the finessing of your rich, rich family members, while still watching out for the competition wanting to kill you. Acting is an important skill here, and it will do you well to take some “Pretending to be Someone Pleasant” classes down at The Learning Annex (and don’t even tell me you’re already a good person worthy of awesome presents, because you aren’t). There are many ways to approach your wealthy relative about the upcoming holiday season. Try these subtle hints mixed with flattering compliments:
Surely they are all out to get you either (a) out of the picture, (b) “taken care of,” or (c) left out in the desert with your desperate uncle, who in turn will eat you to survive.
It’s important you know your enemies, so you can always be one step ahead of them. Watch out for any inauspicious tales your cousins may tell about that time with the rake and the homeless man down at the park. That will definitely be a back-breaker, as your perfect-person persona you’ve worked on so tirelessly will be unveiled for what it truly is: a facade.
Blackmail is also a popular tactic used to block CHRISTMAS HAPPINESS, especially by those shifty great-grandparents (espionage is their specialty, after all), so it will be important to dig up as much dirt as possible to use as leverage should such an event occur. You can use this blackmail to form an alliance with another relative, or lower their Christmas expectations.
This competition with other family members also makes it challenging to not seem greedy. Often times a competing relative will low-ball the rich one, as to seem modest and not taking advantage of their prosperity. This will lead to a bargaining between you and your rich cousin/uncle/grandma and you will probably end up with a crappy BMW instead of that Lamborghini you wanted. A failure on paper, but that’s okay; there’s always next year.
This low-ball tactic may seem like a dick-move, but it evens the playing field. While I don’t recommend it as part of your defensive game plan, you should consider it should things get out of hand. That, or a candy cane that you’ve fashioned into an acute stabbing device (It serves as a camouflaged weapon WHILE retaining its deliciousness!). Just remember to keep them in one piece. It is the holiday season, after all.
If all is done correctly, and you’ve conned to the fullest extent of reason, and you’ve kept your evil kin at bay, then your Christmas will be a prosperous and profitable one. Keep in mind when weighing the success of your holiday that family togetherness and world peace has NOTHING to do with anything. It’s all about the presents! But this should be obvious.
It is true that Christmastime is the most wonderful time of the year. It is a time when families create a pseudo-utopia, in which everyone gets along and buys gifts because someone was born 2,000 years ago. All in all, Christmas rewards the masters of manipulation. With this knowledge in hand, you too can become a master, which ultimately leads to CHRISTMAS HAPPINESS.
First off, it’s important to go after family members with money: Maybe a rich uncle, pensioned grandma, or internet-mogul cousin. It is best if they’re the type of family you rarely see save for the holiday season and know nothing about the type of person you are. These are all great bases for your gift-getting, and probably where the best presents will come from (I’m talking iPods, bazooka launchers, homunculi, cars, and even Third World countries).
Do not make the mistake of going after a cousin with a part-time job, as any gift they get you will always be crappy electronics or even worse: something homemade. Also, do not rely on your parents. Their job is to get you clothes, and that’s all they’ll be worried about. Oh, and don’t trust your siblings as well; any presents they give you are either rigged to explode or coated in lead, since they’ll be trying to get you out of the picture once and for all.
Now that you know the basics, you can move on to the finessing of your rich, rich family members, while still watching out for the competition wanting to kill you. Acting is an important skill here, and it will do you well to take some “Pretending to be Someone Pleasant” classes down at The Learning Annex (and don’t even tell me you’re already a good person worthy of awesome presents, because you aren’t). There are many ways to approach your wealthy relative about the upcoming holiday season. Try these subtle hints mixed with flattering compliments:
- “Might I say to you, dear Grandma, that your poodle hair is a look befitting a queen? Also, in the spirit of the Christmas season, would you consider buying a Marquis Jet for your dear grandson?”(Grandma will have no choice but to oblige to your request, for she will be FLATTERED beyond recognition. It is also important to remember that, while Grandma’s poodle hair isn’t a look befitting a queen (maybe a janitor’s broom, instead), lying is VITAL if you’re trying to get a Marquis freaking Jet.)
- “Hey, Uncle Stew. I read in Forbes Magazine your multi-million dollar business is being investigated for fraud and money laundering. That’s great, just great. I always knew you were a good business man. By the way, I’d like NBC for Christmas.” (Although the FBI investigations may put a damper on Uncle Stew’s holiday, your acknowledgment of his business skills will be more than enough to get you on his list of people to buy gifts for. Unfortunately, Uncle Stew may not be around next Christmas, so don’t be afraid to up to ante for this year (maybe ask for CBS instead?))
- “Nikko, my cousin! Your twenty-three hundred dollar suit hides your hunchback very well. I can hardly notice it! Since it’s the season of giving, I was hoping you could get me a Swedish supermodel. (It’s subtle and, assuming the suit really does do a good job of concealing that hunchback, flattering. Perfect, everybody wins.)
Surely they are all out to get you either (a) out of the picture, (b) “taken care of,” or (c) left out in the desert with your desperate uncle, who in turn will eat you to survive.
It’s important you know your enemies, so you can always be one step ahead of them. Watch out for any inauspicious tales your cousins may tell about that time with the rake and the homeless man down at the park. That will definitely be a back-breaker, as your perfect-person persona you’ve worked on so tirelessly will be unveiled for what it truly is: a facade.
Blackmail is also a popular tactic used to block CHRISTMAS HAPPINESS, especially by those shifty great-grandparents (espionage is their specialty, after all), so it will be important to dig up as much dirt as possible to use as leverage should such an event occur. You can use this blackmail to form an alliance with another relative, or lower their Christmas expectations.
This competition with other family members also makes it challenging to not seem greedy. Often times a competing relative will low-ball the rich one, as to seem modest and not taking advantage of their prosperity. This will lead to a bargaining between you and your rich cousin/uncle/grandma and you will probably end up with a crappy BMW instead of that Lamborghini you wanted. A failure on paper, but that’s okay; there’s always next year.
This low-ball tactic may seem like a dick-move, but it evens the playing field. While I don’t recommend it as part of your defensive game plan, you should consider it should things get out of hand. That, or a candy cane that you’ve fashioned into an acute stabbing device (It serves as a camouflaged weapon WHILE retaining its deliciousness!). Just remember to keep them in one piece. It is the holiday season, after all.
If all is done correctly, and you’ve conned to the fullest extent of reason, and you’ve kept your evil kin at bay, then your Christmas will be a prosperous and profitable one. Keep in mind when weighing the success of your holiday that family togetherness and world peace has NOTHING to do with anything. It’s all about the presents! But this should be obvious.
It is true that Christmastime is the most wonderful time of the year. It is a time when families create a pseudo-utopia, in which everyone gets along and buys gifts because someone was born 2,000 years ago. All in all, Christmas rewards the masters of manipulation. With this knowledge in hand, you too can become a master, which ultimately leads to CHRISTMAS HAPPINESS.
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