A Hypo-Thesis on Cold

Open a science textbook and it'll tell you (on the first page if it's a good one) that weather is a thing. A philosopher will tell you things change, which is the number one problem with weather: it's always changing on us.

As of today, it is May, a month known for its flowers brought on by rainfall from the previous month (or so the saying goes). But I know May for the pollen that comes along with these flowers, and worse, the ominous, foreboding heat that warns us of summer's inevitable arrival.

So we find ourselves in an undesirable place, my friends. Winter is long gone, and in its place we have plants overgrowing onto the roads and consuming our babies, and hot, hot heat that's only going to get worse.

Times like this, I lament the days of just a few months ago, when the trees stood bare-ass naked, embarrassed constantly by onlookers who mocked them. When the days were shorter, and the sun set at a decent hour. And when if you praised the Sky King, he rewarded you with a day of snow.

It is easy to look back on those days of below-50-temperatures now that high levels of humidity threaten to drown us in moist air. The wet, sticky, heat surrounds you, suffocating your mind and robbing you of all rational thought (I have reason to believe this condition led to the creation of Crocs). In autumn and winter, the thin air provides mobility, the chilled oxygen pokes your face, alert you that you are, in fact, alive. Perhaps more alive than ever before.

Blame summer.

It isn't simply due to the Hot Days' arrival that I find myself longing for autumn and winter. I miss the beauty these seasons bring with them. There is no greater weather phenomena than a sunny day with sub-50-degree temperatures. There's just something so wonderfully paradoxical about that kind of a day; when the air is crisp and pure, and you can "see you breath" every time you exhale. You find yourself wondering "How can it be so cold when the sun is shining so bright?" Add the festive colors of autumn leaves all around you, maybe a nice breeze, and there's no better place to be, for you are witnessing what I believe to be a natural splendor. Like when a hobo takes a bath. That kind of splendor.

Cold weather is also for the brave and daring. Only those with strong convictions dare walk outside in the cold of winter without a shirt. Most of the time, you'll see these brave souls at football games, obnoxiously jumping around and hollering. But they must do this, for if they stop moving for even a second, they are liable to freeze to death, and that just ruins your whole weekend right there. (I suppose the summer-equivalent to this would be wearing many layers and coats. But I've yet to see anyone try to pull that off.)

Yes, the cold is no place for wimps or grandmothers. Those who point out the obvious the very microsecond they set foot outside by proclaiming to all within earshot "IT'S COLD!" Thank you for the weather update. Now stop complaining, you're ruining the fun.

It is truly unfortunate we find ourselves on the precipice of summer. As fun as it is, summertime is not as great as the six months that follow, though we must not forsake this time of year, for without it, we wouldn't love the cold so much. Not to mention, this is the best time to eat ice cream, and everyone loves ice cream. For now we shall soldier on through the heat, for we know what rewards await us 3 months from now. Stay frosty, my friends.